Santa Busted Breaking into Metz Home

Dakota Dunes, SD (AP) - At approximately 11:52pm Central Time on Monday evening, Santa was caught on hidden motion sensor camera rummaging around the Metz home. An initial call to 911 and subsequent follow up calls paint an unclear motive for Santa's visit. Hidden microphones captured Santa muttering something about "...looking for the damn malted milk balls" and careful analysis of the photo by experts lead to the conclusion that Santa may actually have posed for the security photo, indicating he wanted to be caught. DNA tests are still be analyzed to verify this was actually Santa, but analysis of his beard hair follicles and samples of reindeer feces remaining on the Metz's lawn all seem to lead to positive verification.

Santa was not available for comment, but his spokesperson Gail V. Klaus stated "Santa has been a real pain this year...he doesn't seem to follow directions well, he snacks and naps all the time, and lately he has been modelling himself after Larry David." (an apparent reference to Larry David, star a "Curb Your Enthusiasm", rumored to be Santa's favorite TV show). Bill Metz told reporters "I'm just not sure what Santa was doing...he seemed disoriented, and actually smiled when the security camera captured him breaking and entering...it was strange." Metz then added, "And the worst part is I emailed him last week telling him i really wanted a Fly Sux shaving kit for Christmas, and he couldn't even come up with that. It's the least he could have done after his reindeers relieved themselves all over my yard."

Pearl Wins Pumpkin Carving Contest

Sioux City, IA (AP) - At midnight on Halloween the annual Bernstein Website Pumpkin Carving Champion was once again announced, and this year the winner was a complete surprise. Four contestants entered this year, in the all ages category, and the unlikely winner was David "The Pearl" Sterling, with his "Fly Sux" entry. Other contestants were Sonia and Liza Lachter, and Leila Bernstein (who entered a pile of squashed pumpkin baby food).

Sterling's entry, pictured above, was challenged by the Lachter girl’s father Eric Lachter, who felt that the judges should have applied a handicap to each participant given their age differences. "Let's face it, Pearl's pumpkin looks like it was carved by a 4 year old," said Lachter. "Did he use a spatula to cut that thing? It's obviously rigged." Lachter's accusation was directed at Dave Bernstein, his brother-in-law, who was the sole judge of the event. Bernstein rebuffed, "It's all about the message...and Sterling's message was a very positive, uplifting one that could help propel humanity towards World peace." He continued, "Does Lachter honestly think pumpkin's that say 'my Daddy is cool' and 'Daddy is my hero' are really award winning?"

Sterling could not be reached for comment, as he was at McDonalds enjoying his prize of a happy meal. Sonia and Liza Lachter did respond to requests for a statement simply by stating "Pearl's pumpkin SUX!"

Scientists Prove Lachter a Distant Relative of Bernstein

Berkely, CA (Science News) - Scientists just recently uncovered evidence that Eric Lachter may be a distant relative of the Bernstein Family. Tests dating back to 500 A.D. indicate the potential for a relationship, stemming primarily from analysis of a regressive Y chromosome. Scientists indicated they felt they were on to something, but that the gene mapping was elusive and difficult until they discovered the photo shown above. Stated Prof. Beeker of the institute, "this photo provides undisputable evidence there is a connection, there must be!"

According to Prof. Beeker, the research also included significant experiments with monkeys with incredibly low I.Q.'s. The male monkeys, each containing a strain of the chromosome, were fed large amounts of food and then placed in front of the television while female monkeys surrounded them with random banter and questioning. In all cases the male monkeys were able to fall asleep, if they were reclining on a couch, regardless of the level of banter and questioning. The monkeys are also believed to be distant relatives of Lachter and Bernstein.

In a related story a San Francisco judge ruled that 2 people married to each other that may have been related dating back over 2,000 years is legal.

Sonia and Liza Eaten by Tigger

San Franciso, CA (AP) - LATE BREAKING NEWS

Winefred Pooh, Vice President of Public Relations for the San Francisco Zoo, just confirmed reports that Sonia and Liza Lachter have been eaten by Tigger. The photo attached was taken just moments ago at the zoo, where head Zookeeper Dave Corran is attempting to extract the two girls from Tigger's belly. "We are trying to tickle Tigger and hope he burps them both up" Corran stated in a news conference.

The two girls were just interviewed by dropping a microphone down Tigger's mouth and they both said they were fine except when Tigger starts bouncing. Watch for more details on this breaking story....

Leila denies accusations

Leila Bernstein has just called a press conference to set things straight. It was indeed her father who passed the gas, not her. Let the record be corrected.

Leila Passes Gas During Photo Shoot

Oakland, CA (AP) - Today during a Rosh Hashanah photo shoot in Oakland, young Leila Bernstein passed gas, possibly for the first time, startling her cousins Sonia and Liza. In this photo, presumably shot during the event, Leila's cousins are obviously caught off guard. In an interview, Sonia Lachter (pictured on left) said, "I was shocked. I was just sitting there and I heard this strange noise and then I looked at Leila and she looked so happy. I couldn't figure out what was going on...and then suddenly I knew."

Liza Lachter (pictured in center) appeared to attempt to pretend nothing unusual had happened. Liza told her agent that she was sitting there and she heard a strange noise and felt a strange vibration, which at first she thought may have been a small earthquake or tremor, but then soon realized what had happened. Both Liza and Sonia promptly left the photo shoot, escorted by their Mother and Father, who reportedly was yelling "Dude, what was up with that?" to Leila's Father, and manager, Ben Bernstein.

As for Leila's part, according to Mr. Bernstein, Leila was staring directly at him as the photographer was shooting photos (Ben was making a monkey face at the time) when she suddenly winked and then let one rip. "She looked so happy...so fulfilled," said Bernstein, "and then she seemed so pleased with herself...almost relieved...I am so proud of her."

Carolyn Bernstein, Leila's Mother, upon hearing what had transpired commented "she unfortunately takes after her father in this regard. I can only assume he taught her how to do this at the same time he was teaching her how to make some of those strange bass faces. I have to be careful when I leave the two of them alone together."

None of Leila's 4 Grandparents could be reached for comment.

Lachters Sign Exclusive $25 Million Deal With Guava and Java

Miami, FL (AP) - Today officials of Guava and Java International announced an exclusive multi-year endorsement deal with The Lachter Family (known commonly as America's Family), pictured above. The deal came as a surprise to the industry, as speculation mounted in recent weeks that the deal was falling apart amid rumors that Liza Lachter was holding out for undisclosed terms and conditions. At the heart of the deal was a longstanding feud between Lachter patriarch Eric Lachter, and Guava and Java Head Busboy David Sterling (pictured below) over a comment about a muffin not long after Guava and Java opened their flagship San Francisco operations. Lachter allegedly boarded a flight to Minneapolis after purchasing a bran muffin at Guava and Java, and moments after biting in to it sent a text to an undisclosed source stating "note from seat 14B, bran muffin tastes like sand." The source relayed the comment to Sterling who, it was rumored, reacted very radically. Sterling was overheard yelling, "after all i have done for him, with the free rice krispy treats and companionship in Vegas, this is the thanks I get..."

Guava and Java CEO and President Rita Bhaskar, in an unprecedented press statement commented "David was very upset but has put this issue behind him. We have revised the recipe for bran muffins, taking Eric's comment to heart as his opinions are very valuable to us and we feel having the Lachters as spokespersons will be a win-win for all of us. And David asks that I relay his very sincere public apology to Eric for overreacting." Sterling was not available for comment.

As the week unfolded and the deal got close, Liza Lachter held out for inclusion of Eric in the deal. Earlier in the week Sterling had insisted there would be no deal if Eric was involved, but the Lachter Family rallied around Eric. Sterling's initial objection centered around Eric's insistance that anytime he appeared in any ad, he was referred to as "McLovin Lachter". Sterling viewed this as disrespectful as he has been referring to himself as McLovin Sterling for the past few weeks, ever since the release of the movie Superbad. In the end however Sterling realized that without Liza and her sister Sonia, the deal was meaningless, and had to relent.

Liza, who recently told Eric that he was her hero in order to gain influence over family matters, negotiated a side deal with Eric for an undisclosed sum. Sonia and Liza Lachter are rumored to be the recipients of most of the endorsement deal and have just departed for a trip out of the country, and at the last minute offered to take their parents with them. Sonia Lachter commented, "We like Mommy and Daddy, and thought we would take them with us. Plus Liza and I can't drive yet so we need them. I can't wait until we get back tho as Liza and I are both going to buy new Porsches and only let Daddy drive them if he does what we ask him to do." When asked for comment at the airport immediately prior to her departure, Liza Lachter simply said, "Daddy is my hero" and then mischievously winked at the reporters. She then turned to her father and yelled "McLovin, get my bags and hurry up and get on the plane". -db