Bernstein-Lachter Mounts Coup Attempt Against Girl Scout Leadership Council

***BREAKING NEWS****

San Francisco, CA (AP) - Unnamed sources have just confirmed a secret underground coup attempt to overthrow leadership in the Girl Scouts of America organization. Randi Bernstein-Lachter and an unidentified Lieutenant (pictured above) are reportedly attempting to indoctrinate and train a highly aggressive unit of Girl Scout operatives, with the hope of overthrowing the Girls Scout's core leadership cabinet. Video obtained from a secret training base shows Girl Scouts training in commando moves, including the highly versatile use of the "monkey bars". Rumor also has it that Bernstein-Lachter has allowed girls who would normally only qualify for Brownie status to enter the elite training camp. Bernstein-Lachter was overheard saying "I don't care what they say, I am going to put Liza's mischievousness to good use. She will light a fire under this units...".

Sources say the crux of the disagreement is related to an argument over the wording of the Girl Scouts doctrine, as pictured above. Not pictured in the photo is the phrase, "As a Girl Scout I will try to sell at least 10 boxes of cookies per year, and will push the Shortbread cookies over the other flavors, as they have a higher margin." Lachter-Bernstein's contention is that the Shortbread cookies are not very good and should not be pushed at the expense of the tastier Caramel Delite cookies. During an outburst she was overheard saying, "...the shortbreads suck, I wouldn't even send them to my oldest brother...". Bernstein-Lachter would prefer to see the phrase modified to say "...at least 10 boxes without regard to flavor." She also has advocated the addition of the phrase "Girls Scouts will never smoke cigarettes and will attempt to throw water on anyone that does."

A spokesperson for the Girl Scouts of America released a statement saying, "We appreciate Bernstein-Lachter's passion for these issues and concern over treating all cookies fairly, but we cannot condone any form of takeover of our national office by Girl Scout Local 1422B. Girl Scouts must stand together to fight tyranny and repression, and we don't have room for rogue Den Mothers in this organization."

Stay tuned for more breaking news...

Sonia Wins San Francisco Gran Prix

San Francisco, CA (AP) - Sonia Lachter unexpectedly won the San Francisco Bicycle Gran Prix yesterday. Lachter, who recently learned how to ride without external balancing outriggers (training wheels) is seen rounding the corner for the final stretch to victory here. Lachter edged out Lance Armstrong, who was a full 7 seconds behind her at the finish. Of additional note is that Lachter beat her father by a full 3 hours in this race. This was primarily due to the fact that Eric Lachter, her father, did not start as he was sleeping. Upon awakening he ran out with his camera, took this photo and then got on his bike and rode the race. Sonia's pitcrew of Liza Lachter and Leila Bernstein were ecstatic, and celebrated with champagne after the victory. Said Leila, "Sonia is cool. Sonia is fast. My Mommy is cool. My Dad thinks he's a pirate."

Liza Lachter Hired as Chief Babysitter

San Francisco, CA (AP) - Today Carolyn and Ben Bernstein announced the hiring of Liza Lachter as Chief Babysitter of newly born Leila Rose Bernstein. Her duties as babysitter start immediately (photo of Liza and Leila 2 evenings ago while Ben and Carolyn attended a showing of Pirates of the Caribbean IXX). News of Liza's new position came as a shock in the babysitting world, as never before has a 3 year old been hired to babysit a newborn child. Liza's mother, Randi Lachter said "Liza is good at babysitting as she learned from her sister, and can always call her older sister Sonia on her cell phone if she needs help, as Sonia is an excellent babysitter. Liza has been practicing on her dolls for a while now." Eric Lachter, father of Liza said "Hey, this is cool, how much are they payin her?". Members of the International Babysitters Union of America could not be reached for comment.

In other related news, Leila's father Ben announced over the weekend that Leila would soon be the proud owner of a pirate ship, the SS Wee Lass. Ben, aka Captain Chronic, sails the seas frequently and therefore wanted to have only the best for his daughter, a new pirate ship. Said Captain Chronic "Arrrrrrrrr the Wee Lass needs a ship to sail the Seven Seas...We'll name it Wee Lass....Arrrrrr Mateys." Leila's Mother Carolyn has not been reached for comment.

Leila Rose Bernstein - Born June 2, 2007

San Francisco (AP) 12:36am - Carolyn and Ben Bernstein just announced the birth of their new daughter Leila Rose Bernstein just moments ago. In a weighin that would rival a Mike Tyson fight, Leila Rose tipped the scales at 8 pounds 8 ounces, qualifying her for the 1-7 day old baby weight class, should she choose that career path. Leila stands 20.5" tall. Mother and daughter are reported to be doing fine, however there is no word yet on Leila's Dad's condition. Moments after the birth he was heard repeatedly muttering "dude that was so intense...dude that was so intense".

In a statement released by newly born Leila, she said, "It's great to be here, I'm glad to be out. I was getting a bit claustrophobic in there. I would like to thank my folks for bringing me here. I haven't had a chance to talk to them much as right when I got here I looked and my Mom was using her nursing skills trying to revive my Dad, who had fainted. I can tell he's going to be a handful. I look forward to takin it easy for a few days around this place, and plan on hittin the Exploratorium next week as I overheard my cousins Sonia and Liza sayin it's cool. I can't wait to meet my Grandparents and my other relatives, but am a bit nervous about hangin with Sonia and Liza's Dad, as they say he's crazy. I gotta go now, I'm super hungry...does anyone know where a kid can get a slice around here?"