Sonia Visits Space Mountain and Returns, Leaves Liza Behind

Orlando, FL (AP) - Sonia Lachter, at a NASA press conference today, discussed recently released information regarding her trip to Space Mountain and back 10 days ago. According to Ms. Lachter "We blasted off right before midnite, it was so awesome, we had to fight some aliens, and when we got back and got off the ship Liza was gone." NASA officials are unclear what happened to the younger Lachter. A statement from Uncle Dave, who was on the flight as well, indicated Liza was shooting aliens (see Space Academy photo) and "running around all crazy" and must have missed the ship back. "When she was in the station she at one point said 'wait I want to take this all in' then she dropped back and that was it" said Uncle Dave.

On her return from space, Sonia was awarded the Mickey Mouse medal of honor for making the trip. Her Mother, Randi Lachter, said "I am so proud of Sonia, it was a tough mission for her as it was so late and she had such a full day, but they made it just before the window of opportunity closed...I am so proud." Asked about her younger daughter Liza she said, "Liza will be fine, I am sure she is still riding around on that space ship wanting to go one more time..." Her father Eric Lachter shared that sentiment. "Liza....she will turn up....she always does...that kid loves to go fast."

GAILFEST 2012 LINEUP ANNOUNCED

Sioux City, IA (AP) - The official lineup for GailFest 2012 was officially announced today at an early morning press conference. This years event marks the 70th Anniversary of Gailfest, and organizers announced a new sponsor for this years event, Pearl's Yarn Boutique. Founder and CEO David Sterling said in a prepared statement, "We are really psyched to sponsor this wonderful event. We know that during the course of 4 days at DisneyWorld Gail will go through more than enough yarn to pay for this sponsorship, and since she needs to use our yarn in all photos, we know we will come out great!" Mr. Sterling also added, "I know we very narrowly edged out multiple cell phone manufacturers, as Gail is sure to lose a few on the trip, but we are psyched. Oh and Happy Birthday Gail by the way!"

This years lineup will feature some interesting performers. The 4 day festival will start with a pre party on Tuesday featuring Jack, Gail and Dave performing hits off their new album "I Can't Believe We All Traveled Here Together On The Same Itinerary".

The festival officially gets under way bright and early on Wednesday am with support artist Ben and Carolyn singing their wonderful "Dude You Take Her on Dumbo Today, I Will Tomorrow" classic hit. Closing Wednesday will be Leila and the Noa's, hot off their Grammy win with their song "Just Pee Off", which nudged out "Just Pee Off Pt. II" for the Grammy.

Thursday opens with Randi Lachter, writer of the song "Dude We Have Way Too Much Planned For Today" and a guest slot by Ben and Carolyn Bernstein doing the duet "Why Do All Days Start At 6:30 AM?" Thursday night is the annual sponsor dinner, hosted aboard La Perla Negra Grande, with sponsor host Chairman David Sterling, and his head of knitting research Eric Lachter. Both are rumored to be rehearsing the song "I'm All Out Of Love" by Air Supply.

Friday's festivities feature some of the hottest selling artists of the festival, Sonia and Liza. Both artists will perform solo sets, and then a set together. Sonia is well know for her famous song "Uncle David Do You Want to Buy Some Girl Scout Cookies", and will then be followed by Liza singing "Uncle David Do You Want to Buy Some Girl Scout Cookies". They will both close the evening with their #1 pop sensation "Don't Tell Mommy Ok, For Real, I Mean It". Fireworks will follow.

Saturday will feature all artists performing an early morning set, doing a remake of "We Are The World", first made popular at Ben and Carolyn's wedding. Then at 10am, right before the festival closes, Ben Bernstein, Master of Ceremonies, will officially accept the eternal flame of GailFest and carry it back to California for GailFest 2013. Festival tradition holds the festival flame must burn eternally until the next festival in the sacred flame holder, modeled after the Peeing Boy of Brussels Fountain. Breaking this tradition can cause 100 years of bad luck, or at least a mild case of hives.

For more information or to purchase tickets, please contact Ticketmaster....

Gail Chased By Horny Buffalo

Yellowstone National Park (AP) - Late Friday during a routine visit to Yellowstone National Park, Gail Bernstein and her entourage were nearly attacked by two horny buffalo, apparently fighting each other for supremacy of the herd. Accounts of the incident are still sketchy at this time but sources indicate that a small group of tourists including the Bernstein entourage were watching a small herd of buffalo, in the midst of mating season. Part of the herd was on one side of the road and part on the other (a red flag in any scouting book I may add) and two males were periodically fighting, apparently trying to determine "who was up to bat next".

Footage below, taken by Bernstein Blog Cameraman Ben Bernstein, shows what ensued. The two buffalo, irritated that people were going to watch them "get down to bidness" turned and charged the crowd. As the cameraman ran, you can hear him yelling at Gail to get up. Apparently Gail had fallen in the attempt to run away, as she was preoccupied trying to run and knit at the same time. Details are unclear, but witnesses report that Jack Bernstein actually fell on top of Gail, presumably to protect her. An interview with Jack last night indicated that Jack was not clear why he fell but thinks it was partly out of instinct to protect Gail, and partly because he may have tripped over her. He postulated that it could have been a survival instinct much like the Buffalo's reaction. "If something happened to Gail and she was in the hospital recovering in Montana, what would I do for dinner, they don't have Jerry's Pizza out here."

In the end all appeared to turn out ok as Gail is seen on her feet smiling in the closing seconds of the footage. The buffalo, off camera, also came to an amicable agreement and decided to just "share" the remaining female buffalo. Our cameraman said at press time that it was still unclear whether "share" meant they would divide the remaining female herd in 2, or just take turns, but he would investigate further.

Cause for the initial stampede is still unclear, but some sources suspect that the strong smell of a vegen Clif Bar in Ben's backpack may have excited the animals, as the smell of vegen Clif Bars smells very similar to buffalo pheromones.

(written by Dave Bernstein, with contributions from Ben Bernstein in the field)

USOC Denies Age Allegation of Injured Athlete

San Francisco, CA (AP) - The USOC today denied claims that a young gymnast in Northern California is under-aged, and deferred all inquiries to her father, Ben Bernstein. Leila Bernstein, pictured above, did not compete in the 2008 Olympic Games due to a broken leg, suffered while practicing the pole vault the week before the games. Bernstein's biography lists her as being 21, well above the age necessary to compete in the games. She has been accused of actually being less than 16 years of age, and most likely less than 5 years of age.

Leila Bernstein first rose to fame last year, when she scored a series of perfect 16's in the gymnastics World Cup (sponsored by Guava and Java), and also set a World Record in the pole vault, and the 100m high hurdles. Bernstein did not qualify in the Iron Man competition, finishing 10th, but did put on a respectable showing given she decided to try it at the last minute. Immediately after that decision, rumors started surfacing that she at the time was actually just 1 year old. Bernstein's agent and trainer, Ben Bernstein, a former Olympic hackey sack medalist, stated at the time that Leila was definitely of age, and that she just looked young because she recently got a haircut. The investigation that followed drew no conclusions.

Yesterday, as rumors resurfaced, Ben Bernstein produced documentation seemingly verifying Leila's age. A driver's license and other forms of identification were shown to governing body members. The investigating body indicated that in general the identification looked legitimate, but did question why a Spencer Gifts receipt fell out of a bag Bernstein was carrying and was found laying on the floor. Leila's Mother Carolyn at that point entered the room, grabbed Leila and Ben by the arms and lead them out of the investigation, and was overheard saying "Dude, that is the worst fake ID I have ever seen. She couldn't even buy Sloe Gin with that thing."

None of the Bernsteins were available for comment but it is rumored that Ben Bernstein is grounded until further notice.

Nieces Meet Newest Relative Basho

Oakland, CA (The Onion) - Today during a special one year birthday party for Leila Bernstein, Leila and her two cousins Sonia and Liza Lachter were spontaneously exposed to their newest relative, Basho the Sumo Wrestler. How Basho became a member of the Bernstein/Lachter clan still remains somewhat of a mystery. Sources close to the situation said late Saturday that they believe the three cousin's Uncle, Uncle Dave, adopted Basho when he saw an article in a magazine stating "This sumo wrestler would look great in your home."

"Dave is really compassionate and I am guessing when he read that article in the Skymall Magazine, he couldn't help but adopt Basho" said Eric Lachter, brother-in-law of Uncle Dave. How Basho found a home at the Bernstein residence in Oakland is another story however. "Dave may be compassionate, but he is not necessarily always responsible like I am," stated Ben Bernstein, Uncle Dave's Brother. "One day I am hangin out minding my own business and this thing shows up in a box...it was de-gassing in my house, and I didn't know what to do with it. I know Dave had good intentions of giving Basho a home, but until I consulted Dave Corran and determined I should put him in the garden, I was a bit miffed, and he actually scared Leila and Carolyn."

Reaction from the Three Nieces was mixed. Sonia Lachter commented that she thought Basho was very cute and smart and looked forward to having him to their house for the High Holidays this fall. Liza Lachter stated that Basho looked like her Daddy, wanted to bring him home with her, and thought maybe he could help with some of her chores around the house. Leila's reaction was mixed, but she seemed to like him, spit up on him, laughed at him and then some indicate actually looked at him and said "Daa Daa." Ben immediately denied this, irritated by the obvious reference by his daughter to possible similarities between Ben and Basho. He attempted to clarify by stating, "she didn't say Daa Daa as in Daddy, she said Daa Daa as in doo doo, or because i think that thing made her crap her diapers when she looked at it, just like it had the same effect on me."

Uncle Dave was not available for comment at press time.

Passover Candy Fruit Slices Debacle

Mill Valley, CA -

At approximately 8:45 PST an unidentified box of Bartons Fruit Flavored Slices was discovered just before desert during a Passover Seder at the Lachter residence in Mill Valley, CA. The box of parve candy, discovered under a pile of Haddasah magazines, was apparently ordered for David Bernstein of Sioux City, IA. Mr. Bernstein had ordered the box of passover fruit flavored sugar wedges from his niece Sonia Lachter, who was selling them for a Sunday school fundraiser. Mrs. Lachter was trying to sell enough of the "Kosher for Passover" candies in order to win a Nintendo Wii. She thought she had fallen short in her effort, but upon discovery of her uncle's misplaced box of fruit slices she realized she had just enough points to earn the highly coveted prize. She immediately called the Passover Candy prize claims department, but it being a Jewish holiday they were closed. They could not be reached for comment at the time of publication.

When asked to comment on his undelivered box of holiday treats, Mr Bernstein had this to say via text message, "Luv em! Did u have some? Dude they are really good trust me." Ben Bernstein, Sonia's other Uncle and David's brother had this to say, "Fruit slices are wrong! There is nothing natural or wholesome about them." To this, Mr Bernstein #1 replied, "Sugar is natural, they r yummy. Don't be a Granola!" He later added, "This whole affair is a debacle. I ordered the fruit slices to enjoy at my Seder and they never arrived. Now I am getting reports that they are in some Mill Valley place and nobody even likes them. Furthermore, Sonia is now going to get a Wii, which I helped her win, but I never got my fruit slices. I think think I should get the Wii in place of the passover candy I ordered. I really want a Wii. You can't even buy one on Ebay.

Mr. Bernstein #2's daughter Leila, cousin of Sonia, and niece of Mr.Bernstein #1 is reported to have taken one look at the box of fruit slices, dumped them on the floor, called for her "Blanky", and crawled off to bed. The other attendees of the Seder, including Sonia's Dad, Eric "$" "Mc Lovin'" Lachter, could not be reached for comment. At press time, a box of slightly used Bartons Fruit Slices was being offered for trade with a Nintendo Wii on the popular community based website Craigslist. The seller "friedsalami" is quoted in the offer as saying "We barely touched em', they were on the floor, but for less than 3 seconds, so they are basically like new."

BREAKING NEWS: Tape of Phone Call Released

San Francisco, CA (AP) - This morning at 9:45a Central time a tape of the phone message left yesterday by Randi Lachter to Dave Bernstein was released by an unnamed source (click on link below to hear). Bernstein, upon notice of the release of the tape, commented "listen to it carefully, you can tell she is trying to softsell something here. It's just like Ben said, a consipiracy...". THIS IS A BREAKING STORY...

Piglet_voicemail_23-Mar-2008.wav

Angst Builds Over Controversial Gift Policy

San Francisco, CA and Sioux City, IA (AP) - Trouble was brewing late this afternoon in the ongoing negotiations over the Bernstein Family Sibling Gift Policy (BFSGP) as Randi took the initial step of attempting to terminate the agreement on the grounds that she, Ben and Carolyn had been discussing it. Sources close to the situation indicated the discussions with Iowa sibling representative Dave Bernstein didn't go well. The Iowa Bernstein reportly was not overly receptive to the California branches plan to terminate the arrangement immediately. The issue, at face value, seems simple but is much more complex than it appears.

At issue presently is the timing of the proposal. Documents released over the weekend indicate that in early March Randi Lachter agreed to lead a search committee for a gift for Ben, whose birthday was March 7. Lachter, it turns out, never began a search, nor did she purchase said gift. She then initiated the proceedings for termination of the Master Gift Contract, rumored to have been signed back in 1972 when she was 4, and Ben hadn't been born yet. In a conversation late today Dave took exception to that. "I think she is covering her tracks, her story doesn't make sense, the timeline is all wrong, she says she was here when she was really there...and at one point evens alleges she was in Mexico at the time. I don't buy it!".

Dave's motives, however, have recently been called into question as well. In mid January Dave received a jacket as a birthday gift from the California branch. Even though the jacket arrived the week after his birthday, it was rumored to be "sweet", and therefore Dave feels he has a pretty good thing going, a source told us. The source said Bernstein was overheard saying "this coat is sweet, even sweeter than the one that Eric re-gifted to me, that my Mom gave him...that sweet!". Bernstein declined to comment as did Lachter.

And late this afternoon sources say a possible settlement may be presented to the California contingent tomorrow, after late afternoon shuttle diplomacy involving Eric Lachter as the official "back channel". Exclusive sources have told us that Bernstein and Lachter (pictured below) have basically agreed to a deal, a stripped down version of the original contract providing that the California Branch pool their gift resources and send one gift to the Iowa Branch, once per year. This gift, by default, would go to Dave. In exchange, the Iowa Branch would reciprocate with one gift per year, sent from Dave to Eric. Sensitivities over this agreement, and the fact that it basically leaves everyone else out, are still being mulled over. Lachter is said to be considering using the approach that he "needs more stuff, has a bigger gift list and is easier to buy for" than any of the other California Branch members. "I need a new Ipod, would like a new set of designer boots, have my eye on a new watch, and have been admiring these new Revos, so it should make it easy" a source overheard Lachter commenting.


Request for comments from Ben and Carolyn Bernstein and Randi Lachter were declined. However, in a late afternoon conversation with Dave, Ben is rumored to have said "dude I didn't tell her i wanted to quit buying you gifts. It's a conspiracy dude. Watch your back!". If the stalemate continues, it may have to go to binding arbitration, with the arbitrator being Liza Lachter. When asked what he thought of that outcome, Bernstein commented, "If Liza has to decide, it's anyone's guess. Lord help us!"

Leila Training for Olympic Fry Eating Contest

Oakland, CA (AP) - Today the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that Leila Bernstein will indeed be competing in the French Fry Eating Event for the United States, and has recently begun her training. Over the past few weeks the sports world was riddled with speculation that Bernstein would compete, despite her Father's stated desire to have her boycott the games. Leila's Father Ben Bernstein objected to his daughter competing in the Olympics, to be held this summer in China, on the grounds of improper treatment of musicians. Leila however in recent days decided to compete despite her father's objections. Sources close to the Bernstein's say that in the end it was Leila's love of fries that helped her make her decision.

At a hastily called press conference earlier today Ben Bernstein stated, "Duuuuude, this is really uncooool. I mean they treat the musicians badly, especially the bass players. They ignore the contracts and riders, and usually don't have the green M&Ms picked out of the bowl. And often they don't even give the musicians the right amount of beer in the dressing room, or the right brand of bottled water. It is almost unbearable."

Leila, speaking through her spokeperson, her Mother Carolyn, said "Fries are good, I like fries. I want more fries. Do fries come in Happy Meals? Do Happy Meals have toys in them? I want Happy Meals. I want toys. I want Star Wars characters in Happy Meals. Do Cracker Jacks have toys? I want Cracker Jacks." Leila's Mother, obviously siding with the youngest member of the Bernstein family, paraphrased by stating, "Leila is ready, and she is bringin home the Gold baby!!!".

EXCLUSIVE! Below is an exclusive interview with Leila Bernstein, where she rips on her Dad for suggesting she boycott the Olympics. See it here first on Bernstein.to...

Nieces Renew Guava and Java Endorsement...But Without Parents

San Francisco, CA (AP) - Today Guava and Java President David Sterling announced that he was renewing his endorsement deal with Sonia and Liza Lachter (pictured above, Sonia on left) for another 3 weeks. The highly lucrative deal, valued in excess of 3 figures, has been in the works for weeks, with many in the industry speculating that Sterling would not be able to pull of the deal. Notably absent from the deal however are the Lachter girl's parents, Randi and Eric. Sources close to the negotiations said that Sterling fought diligently for inclusion of the Lachter parents in the deal (he is extremely close to Eric "Money" Lachter), but that Liza, who negotiated for the sisters, put her foot down and would not allow inclusion of her parents. Liza finally prevailed, as she is a very tough negotiator, and the deal was inked.

In a statement, Liza said, "Mommy and Daddy are funny. Sonia and I are going to get our own place. We like the big rice krispy treats. David (Sterling) is weird but my Daddy likes him." Sterling, who was frustrated with the deal, and struggled to interpret the statement, simply said "how can you win arguing against logic like that?"

Santa Busted Breaking into Metz Home

Dakota Dunes, SD (AP) - At approximately 11:52pm Central Time on Monday evening, Santa was caught on hidden motion sensor camera rummaging around the Metz home. An initial call to 911 and subsequent follow up calls paint an unclear motive for Santa's visit. Hidden microphones captured Santa muttering something about "...looking for the damn malted milk balls" and careful analysis of the photo by experts lead to the conclusion that Santa may actually have posed for the security photo, indicating he wanted to be caught. DNA tests are still be analyzed to verify this was actually Santa, but analysis of his beard hair follicles and samples of reindeer feces remaining on the Metz's lawn all seem to lead to positive verification.

Santa was not available for comment, but his spokesperson Gail V. Klaus stated "Santa has been a real pain this year...he doesn't seem to follow directions well, he snacks and naps all the time, and lately he has been modelling himself after Larry David." (an apparent reference to Larry David, star a "Curb Your Enthusiasm", rumored to be Santa's favorite TV show). Bill Metz told reporters "I'm just not sure what Santa was doing...he seemed disoriented, and actually smiled when the security camera captured him breaking and entering...it was strange." Metz then added, "And the worst part is I emailed him last week telling him i really wanted a Fly Sux shaving kit for Christmas, and he couldn't even come up with that. It's the least he could have done after his reindeers relieved themselves all over my yard."

Pearl Wins Pumpkin Carving Contest

Sioux City, IA (AP) - At midnight on Halloween the annual Bernstein Website Pumpkin Carving Champion was once again announced, and this year the winner was a complete surprise. Four contestants entered this year, in the all ages category, and the unlikely winner was David "The Pearl" Sterling, with his "Fly Sux" entry. Other contestants were Sonia and Liza Lachter, and Leila Bernstein (who entered a pile of squashed pumpkin baby food).

Sterling's entry, pictured above, was challenged by the Lachter girl’s father Eric Lachter, who felt that the judges should have applied a handicap to each participant given their age differences. "Let's face it, Pearl's pumpkin looks like it was carved by a 4 year old," said Lachter. "Did he use a spatula to cut that thing? It's obviously rigged." Lachter's accusation was directed at Dave Bernstein, his brother-in-law, who was the sole judge of the event. Bernstein rebuffed, "It's all about the message...and Sterling's message was a very positive, uplifting one that could help propel humanity towards World peace." He continued, "Does Lachter honestly think pumpkin's that say 'my Daddy is cool' and 'Daddy is my hero' are really award winning?"

Sterling could not be reached for comment, as he was at McDonalds enjoying his prize of a happy meal. Sonia and Liza Lachter did respond to requests for a statement simply by stating "Pearl's pumpkin SUX!"

Scientists Prove Lachter a Distant Relative of Bernstein

Berkely, CA (Science News) - Scientists just recently uncovered evidence that Eric Lachter may be a distant relative of the Bernstein Family. Tests dating back to 500 A.D. indicate the potential for a relationship, stemming primarily from analysis of a regressive Y chromosome. Scientists indicated they felt they were on to something, but that the gene mapping was elusive and difficult until they discovered the photo shown above. Stated Prof. Beeker of the institute, "this photo provides undisputable evidence there is a connection, there must be!"

According to Prof. Beeker, the research also included significant experiments with monkeys with incredibly low I.Q.'s. The male monkeys, each containing a strain of the chromosome, were fed large amounts of food and then placed in front of the television while female monkeys surrounded them with random banter and questioning. In all cases the male monkeys were able to fall asleep, if they were reclining on a couch, regardless of the level of banter and questioning. The monkeys are also believed to be distant relatives of Lachter and Bernstein.

In a related story a San Francisco judge ruled that 2 people married to each other that may have been related dating back over 2,000 years is legal.

Sonia and Liza Eaten by Tigger

San Franciso, CA (AP) - LATE BREAKING NEWS

Winefred Pooh, Vice President of Public Relations for the San Francisco Zoo, just confirmed reports that Sonia and Liza Lachter have been eaten by Tigger. The photo attached was taken just moments ago at the zoo, where head Zookeeper Dave Corran is attempting to extract the two girls from Tigger's belly. "We are trying to tickle Tigger and hope he burps them both up" Corran stated in a news conference.

The two girls were just interviewed by dropping a microphone down Tigger's mouth and they both said they were fine except when Tigger starts bouncing. Watch for more details on this breaking story....

Leila denies accusations

Leila Bernstein has just called a press conference to set things straight. It was indeed her father who passed the gas, not her. Let the record be corrected.

Leila Passes Gas During Photo Shoot

Oakland, CA (AP) - Today during a Rosh Hashanah photo shoot in Oakland, young Leila Bernstein passed gas, possibly for the first time, startling her cousins Sonia and Liza. In this photo, presumably shot during the event, Leila's cousins are obviously caught off guard. In an interview, Sonia Lachter (pictured on left) said, "I was shocked. I was just sitting there and I heard this strange noise and then I looked at Leila and she looked so happy. I couldn't figure out what was going on...and then suddenly I knew."

Liza Lachter (pictured in center) appeared to attempt to pretend nothing unusual had happened. Liza told her agent that she was sitting there and she heard a strange noise and felt a strange vibration, which at first she thought may have been a small earthquake or tremor, but then soon realized what had happened. Both Liza and Sonia promptly left the photo shoot, escorted by their Mother and Father, who reportedly was yelling "Dude, what was up with that?" to Leila's Father, and manager, Ben Bernstein.

As for Leila's part, according to Mr. Bernstein, Leila was staring directly at him as the photographer was shooting photos (Ben was making a monkey face at the time) when she suddenly winked and then let one rip. "She looked so happy...so fulfilled," said Bernstein, "and then she seemed so pleased with herself...almost relieved...I am so proud of her."

Carolyn Bernstein, Leila's Mother, upon hearing what had transpired commented "she unfortunately takes after her father in this regard. I can only assume he taught her how to do this at the same time he was teaching her how to make some of those strange bass faces. I have to be careful when I leave the two of them alone together."

None of Leila's 4 Grandparents could be reached for comment.

Lachters Sign Exclusive $25 Million Deal With Guava and Java

Miami, FL (AP) - Today officials of Guava and Java International announced an exclusive multi-year endorsement deal with The Lachter Family (known commonly as America's Family), pictured above. The deal came as a surprise to the industry, as speculation mounted in recent weeks that the deal was falling apart amid rumors that Liza Lachter was holding out for undisclosed terms and conditions. At the heart of the deal was a longstanding feud between Lachter patriarch Eric Lachter, and Guava and Java Head Busboy David Sterling (pictured below) over a comment about a muffin not long after Guava and Java opened their flagship San Francisco operations. Lachter allegedly boarded a flight to Minneapolis after purchasing a bran muffin at Guava and Java, and moments after biting in to it sent a text to an undisclosed source stating "note from seat 14B, bran muffin tastes like sand." The source relayed the comment to Sterling who, it was rumored, reacted very radically. Sterling was overheard yelling, "after all i have done for him, with the free rice krispy treats and companionship in Vegas, this is the thanks I get..."

Guava and Java CEO and President Rita Bhaskar, in an unprecedented press statement commented "David was very upset but has put this issue behind him. We have revised the recipe for bran muffins, taking Eric's comment to heart as his opinions are very valuable to us and we feel having the Lachters as spokespersons will be a win-win for all of us. And David asks that I relay his very sincere public apology to Eric for overreacting." Sterling was not available for comment.

As the week unfolded and the deal got close, Liza Lachter held out for inclusion of Eric in the deal. Earlier in the week Sterling had insisted there would be no deal if Eric was involved, but the Lachter Family rallied around Eric. Sterling's initial objection centered around Eric's insistance that anytime he appeared in any ad, he was referred to as "McLovin Lachter". Sterling viewed this as disrespectful as he has been referring to himself as McLovin Sterling for the past few weeks, ever since the release of the movie Superbad. In the end however Sterling realized that without Liza and her sister Sonia, the deal was meaningless, and had to relent.

Liza, who recently told Eric that he was her hero in order to gain influence over family matters, negotiated a side deal with Eric for an undisclosed sum. Sonia and Liza Lachter are rumored to be the recipients of most of the endorsement deal and have just departed for a trip out of the country, and at the last minute offered to take their parents with them. Sonia Lachter commented, "We like Mommy and Daddy, and thought we would take them with us. Plus Liza and I can't drive yet so we need them. I can't wait until we get back tho as Liza and I are both going to buy new Porsches and only let Daddy drive them if he does what we ask him to do." When asked for comment at the airport immediately prior to her departure, Liza Lachter simply said, "Daddy is my hero" and then mischievously winked at the reporters. She then turned to her father and yelled "McLovin, get my bags and hurry up and get on the plane". -db

LACHTER CITED FOR SAFETY VIOLATIONS

Marin County, CA (AP) - Paparazzi today sent the cycling world into orbit in Northern California when they captured this photo of Sonia Lachter riding her high performance bike with her chin strap unhooked. Initial attempts by Team Sonia to quash the rumors that Lachter was doing speed crash tests with her helmet unhooked were immediately dismissed once this photo (click on photo to enlarge) was produced and the Team Sonia spokesman immediately declined comment. Team Sonia Crew Chief Eric Lachter (Sonia's Dad) said he was shocked at the photo, and allegations, even though he was present during the crash tests. "I know I connected the strap before she headed off on to the track...she must have unhooked it....I am shocked."

Lachter here is pictured heading towards a large wall of marshmallows, traveling at about 65 mph. Sonia crashes in to marshmallows often to develop her agility and bike riding skills, and to toughen herself up. Plus she likes marshmallows so it can't be all that bad. When asked why her helmet was unhooked, Sonia tersely stated, "I am a good bike rider, you are being silly." When Lachter's Pit Boss, Liza Lachter, was asked for comment she said "who is this...Uncle Dave?....you are silly....ok goodbye."

Sonia's Team Manager and Mother Randi Lachter could not be reached for comment, but rumors abound that she is not happy with the situation regarding the helmet.

Bernstein-Lachter Mounts Coup Attempt Against Girl Scout Leadership Council

***BREAKING NEWS****

San Francisco, CA (AP) - Unnamed sources have just confirmed a secret underground coup attempt to overthrow leadership in the Girl Scouts of America organization. Randi Bernstein-Lachter and an unidentified Lieutenant (pictured above) are reportedly attempting to indoctrinate and train a highly aggressive unit of Girl Scout operatives, with the hope of overthrowing the Girls Scout's core leadership cabinet. Video obtained from a secret training base shows Girl Scouts training in commando moves, including the highly versatile use of the "monkey bars". Rumor also has it that Bernstein-Lachter has allowed girls who would normally only qualify for Brownie status to enter the elite training camp. Bernstein-Lachter was overheard saying "I don't care what they say, I am going to put Liza's mischievousness to good use. She will light a fire under this units...".

Sources say the crux of the disagreement is related to an argument over the wording of the Girl Scouts doctrine, as pictured above. Not pictured in the photo is the phrase, "As a Girl Scout I will try to sell at least 10 boxes of cookies per year, and will push the Shortbread cookies over the other flavors, as they have a higher margin." Lachter-Bernstein's contention is that the Shortbread cookies are not very good and should not be pushed at the expense of the tastier Caramel Delite cookies. During an outburst she was overheard saying, "...the shortbreads suck, I wouldn't even send them to my oldest brother...". Bernstein-Lachter would prefer to see the phrase modified to say "...at least 10 boxes without regard to flavor." She also has advocated the addition of the phrase "Girls Scouts will never smoke cigarettes and will attempt to throw water on anyone that does."

A spokesperson for the Girl Scouts of America released a statement saying, "We appreciate Bernstein-Lachter's passion for these issues and concern over treating all cookies fairly, but we cannot condone any form of takeover of our national office by Girl Scout Local 1422B. Girl Scouts must stand together to fight tyranny and repression, and we don't have room for rogue Den Mothers in this organization."

Stay tuned for more breaking news...

Sonia Wins San Francisco Gran Prix

San Francisco, CA (AP) - Sonia Lachter unexpectedly won the San Francisco Bicycle Gran Prix yesterday. Lachter, who recently learned how to ride without external balancing outriggers (training wheels) is seen rounding the corner for the final stretch to victory here. Lachter edged out Lance Armstrong, who was a full 7 seconds behind her at the finish. Of additional note is that Lachter beat her father by a full 3 hours in this race. This was primarily due to the fact that Eric Lachter, her father, did not start as he was sleeping. Upon awakening he ran out with his camera, took this photo and then got on his bike and rode the race. Sonia's pitcrew of Liza Lachter and Leila Bernstein were ecstatic, and celebrated with champagne after the victory. Said Leila, "Sonia is cool. Sonia is fast. My Mommy is cool. My Dad thinks he's a pirate."