BREAKING NEWS: Tape of Phone Call Released

San Francisco, CA (AP) - This morning at 9:45a Central time a tape of the phone message left yesterday by Randi Lachter to Dave Bernstein was released by an unnamed source (click on link below to hear). Bernstein, upon notice of the release of the tape, commented "listen to it carefully, you can tell she is trying to softsell something here. It's just like Ben said, a consipiracy...". THIS IS A BREAKING STORY...

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Angst Builds Over Controversial Gift Policy

San Francisco, CA and Sioux City, IA (AP) - Trouble was brewing late this afternoon in the ongoing negotiations over the Bernstein Family Sibling Gift Policy (BFSGP) as Randi took the initial step of attempting to terminate the agreement on the grounds that she, Ben and Carolyn had been discussing it. Sources close to the situation indicated the discussions with Iowa sibling representative Dave Bernstein didn't go well. The Iowa Bernstein reportly was not overly receptive to the California branches plan to terminate the arrangement immediately. The issue, at face value, seems simple but is much more complex than it appears.

At issue presently is the timing of the proposal. Documents released over the weekend indicate that in early March Randi Lachter agreed to lead a search committee for a gift for Ben, whose birthday was March 7. Lachter, it turns out, never began a search, nor did she purchase said gift. She then initiated the proceedings for termination of the Master Gift Contract, rumored to have been signed back in 1972 when she was 4, and Ben hadn't been born yet. In a conversation late today Dave took exception to that. "I think she is covering her tracks, her story doesn't make sense, the timeline is all wrong, she says she was here when she was really there...and at one point evens alleges she was in Mexico at the time. I don't buy it!".

Dave's motives, however, have recently been called into question as well. In mid January Dave received a jacket as a birthday gift from the California branch. Even though the jacket arrived the week after his birthday, it was rumored to be "sweet", and therefore Dave feels he has a pretty good thing going, a source told us. The source said Bernstein was overheard saying "this coat is sweet, even sweeter than the one that Eric re-gifted to me, that my Mom gave him...that sweet!". Bernstein declined to comment as did Lachter.

And late this afternoon sources say a possible settlement may be presented to the California contingent tomorrow, after late afternoon shuttle diplomacy involving Eric Lachter as the official "back channel". Exclusive sources have told us that Bernstein and Lachter (pictured below) have basically agreed to a deal, a stripped down version of the original contract providing that the California Branch pool their gift resources and send one gift to the Iowa Branch, once per year. This gift, by default, would go to Dave. In exchange, the Iowa Branch would reciprocate with one gift per year, sent from Dave to Eric. Sensitivities over this agreement, and the fact that it basically leaves everyone else out, are still being mulled over. Lachter is said to be considering using the approach that he "needs more stuff, has a bigger gift list and is easier to buy for" than any of the other California Branch members. "I need a new Ipod, would like a new set of designer boots, have my eye on a new watch, and have been admiring these new Revos, so it should make it easy" a source overheard Lachter commenting.


Request for comments from Ben and Carolyn Bernstein and Randi Lachter were declined. However, in a late afternoon conversation with Dave, Ben is rumored to have said "dude I didn't tell her i wanted to quit buying you gifts. It's a conspiracy dude. Watch your back!". If the stalemate continues, it may have to go to binding arbitration, with the arbitrator being Liza Lachter. When asked what he thought of that outcome, Bernstein commented, "If Liza has to decide, it's anyone's guess. Lord help us!"

Leila Training for Olympic Fry Eating Contest

Oakland, CA (AP) - Today the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that Leila Bernstein will indeed be competing in the French Fry Eating Event for the United States, and has recently begun her training. Over the past few weeks the sports world was riddled with speculation that Bernstein would compete, despite her Father's stated desire to have her boycott the games. Leila's Father Ben Bernstein objected to his daughter competing in the Olympics, to be held this summer in China, on the grounds of improper treatment of musicians. Leila however in recent days decided to compete despite her father's objections. Sources close to the Bernstein's say that in the end it was Leila's love of fries that helped her make her decision.

At a hastily called press conference earlier today Ben Bernstein stated, "Duuuuude, this is really uncooool. I mean they treat the musicians badly, especially the bass players. They ignore the contracts and riders, and usually don't have the green M&Ms picked out of the bowl. And often they don't even give the musicians the right amount of beer in the dressing room, or the right brand of bottled water. It is almost unbearable."

Leila, speaking through her spokeperson, her Mother Carolyn, said "Fries are good, I like fries. I want more fries. Do fries come in Happy Meals? Do Happy Meals have toys in them? I want Happy Meals. I want toys. I want Star Wars characters in Happy Meals. Do Cracker Jacks have toys? I want Cracker Jacks." Leila's Mother, obviously siding with the youngest member of the Bernstein family, paraphrased by stating, "Leila is ready, and she is bringin home the Gold baby!!!".

EXCLUSIVE! Below is an exclusive interview with Leila Bernstein, where she rips on her Dad for suggesting she boycott the Olympics. See it here first on Bernstein.to...

Nieces Renew Guava and Java Endorsement...But Without Parents

San Francisco, CA (AP) - Today Guava and Java President David Sterling announced that he was renewing his endorsement deal with Sonia and Liza Lachter (pictured above, Sonia on left) for another 3 weeks. The highly lucrative deal, valued in excess of 3 figures, has been in the works for weeks, with many in the industry speculating that Sterling would not be able to pull of the deal. Notably absent from the deal however are the Lachter girl's parents, Randi and Eric. Sources close to the negotiations said that Sterling fought diligently for inclusion of the Lachter parents in the deal (he is extremely close to Eric "Money" Lachter), but that Liza, who negotiated for the sisters, put her foot down and would not allow inclusion of her parents. Liza finally prevailed, as she is a very tough negotiator, and the deal was inked.

In a statement, Liza said, "Mommy and Daddy are funny. Sonia and I are going to get our own place. We like the big rice krispy treats. David (Sterling) is weird but my Daddy likes him." Sterling, who was frustrated with the deal, and struggled to interpret the statement, simply said "how can you win arguing against logic like that?"