Gail Chased By Horny Buffalo

Yellowstone National Park (AP) - Late Friday during a routine visit to Yellowstone National Park, Gail Bernstein and her entourage were nearly attacked by two horny buffalo, apparently fighting each other for supremacy of the herd. Accounts of the incident are still sketchy at this time but sources indicate that a small group of tourists including the Bernstein entourage were watching a small herd of buffalo, in the midst of mating season. Part of the herd was on one side of the road and part on the other (a red flag in any scouting book I may add) and two males were periodically fighting, apparently trying to determine "who was up to bat next".

Footage below, taken by Bernstein Blog Cameraman Ben Bernstein, shows what ensued. The two buffalo, irritated that people were going to watch them "get down to bidness" turned and charged the crowd. As the cameraman ran, you can hear him yelling at Gail to get up. Apparently Gail had fallen in the attempt to run away, as she was preoccupied trying to run and knit at the same time. Details are unclear, but witnesses report that Jack Bernstein actually fell on top of Gail, presumably to protect her. An interview with Jack last night indicated that Jack was not clear why he fell but thinks it was partly out of instinct to protect Gail, and partly because he may have tripped over her. He postulated that it could have been a survival instinct much like the Buffalo's reaction. "If something happened to Gail and she was in the hospital recovering in Montana, what would I do for dinner, they don't have Jerry's Pizza out here."

In the end all appeared to turn out ok as Gail is seen on her feet smiling in the closing seconds of the footage. The buffalo, off camera, also came to an amicable agreement and decided to just "share" the remaining female buffalo. Our cameraman said at press time that it was still unclear whether "share" meant they would divide the remaining female herd in 2, or just take turns, but he would investigate further.

Cause for the initial stampede is still unclear, but some sources suspect that the strong smell of a vegen Clif Bar in Ben's backpack may have excited the animals, as the smell of vegen Clif Bars smells very similar to buffalo pheromones.

(written by Dave Bernstein, with contributions from Ben Bernstein in the field)

USOC Denies Age Allegation of Injured Athlete

San Francisco, CA (AP) - The USOC today denied claims that a young gymnast in Northern California is under-aged, and deferred all inquiries to her father, Ben Bernstein. Leila Bernstein, pictured above, did not compete in the 2008 Olympic Games due to a broken leg, suffered while practicing the pole vault the week before the games. Bernstein's biography lists her as being 21, well above the age necessary to compete in the games. She has been accused of actually being less than 16 years of age, and most likely less than 5 years of age.

Leila Bernstein first rose to fame last year, when she scored a series of perfect 16's in the gymnastics World Cup (sponsored by Guava and Java), and also set a World Record in the pole vault, and the 100m high hurdles. Bernstein did not qualify in the Iron Man competition, finishing 10th, but did put on a respectable showing given she decided to try it at the last minute. Immediately after that decision, rumors started surfacing that she at the time was actually just 1 year old. Bernstein's agent and trainer, Ben Bernstein, a former Olympic hackey sack medalist, stated at the time that Leila was definitely of age, and that she just looked young because she recently got a haircut. The investigation that followed drew no conclusions.

Yesterday, as rumors resurfaced, Ben Bernstein produced documentation seemingly verifying Leila's age. A driver's license and other forms of identification were shown to governing body members. The investigating body indicated that in general the identification looked legitimate, but did question why a Spencer Gifts receipt fell out of a bag Bernstein was carrying and was found laying on the floor. Leila's Mother Carolyn at that point entered the room, grabbed Leila and Ben by the arms and lead them out of the investigation, and was overheard saying "Dude, that is the worst fake ID I have ever seen. She couldn't even buy Sloe Gin with that thing."

None of the Bernsteins were available for comment but it is rumored that Ben Bernstein is grounded until further notice.

Nieces Meet Newest Relative Basho

Oakland, CA (The Onion) - Today during a special one year birthday party for Leila Bernstein, Leila and her two cousins Sonia and Liza Lachter were spontaneously exposed to their newest relative, Basho the Sumo Wrestler. How Basho became a member of the Bernstein/Lachter clan still remains somewhat of a mystery. Sources close to the situation said late Saturday that they believe the three cousin's Uncle, Uncle Dave, adopted Basho when he saw an article in a magazine stating "This sumo wrestler would look great in your home."

"Dave is really compassionate and I am guessing when he read that article in the Skymall Magazine, he couldn't help but adopt Basho" said Eric Lachter, brother-in-law of Uncle Dave. How Basho found a home at the Bernstein residence in Oakland is another story however. "Dave may be compassionate, but he is not necessarily always responsible like I am," stated Ben Bernstein, Uncle Dave's Brother. "One day I am hangin out minding my own business and this thing shows up in a box...it was de-gassing in my house, and I didn't know what to do with it. I know Dave had good intentions of giving Basho a home, but until I consulted Dave Corran and determined I should put him in the garden, I was a bit miffed, and he actually scared Leila and Carolyn."

Reaction from the Three Nieces was mixed. Sonia Lachter commented that she thought Basho was very cute and smart and looked forward to having him to their house for the High Holidays this fall. Liza Lachter stated that Basho looked like her Daddy, wanted to bring him home with her, and thought maybe he could help with some of her chores around the house. Leila's reaction was mixed, but she seemed to like him, spit up on him, laughed at him and then some indicate actually looked at him and said "Daa Daa." Ben immediately denied this, irritated by the obvious reference by his daughter to possible similarities between Ben and Basho. He attempted to clarify by stating, "she didn't say Daa Daa as in Daddy, she said Daa Daa as in doo doo, or because i think that thing made her crap her diapers when she looked at it, just like it had the same effect on me."

Uncle Dave was not available for comment at press time.

Passover Candy Fruit Slices Debacle

Mill Valley, CA -

At approximately 8:45 PST an unidentified box of Bartons Fruit Flavored Slices was discovered just before desert during a Passover Seder at the Lachter residence in Mill Valley, CA. The box of parve candy, discovered under a pile of Haddasah magazines, was apparently ordered for David Bernstein of Sioux City, IA. Mr. Bernstein had ordered the box of passover fruit flavored sugar wedges from his niece Sonia Lachter, who was selling them for a Sunday school fundraiser. Mrs. Lachter was trying to sell enough of the "Kosher for Passover" candies in order to win a Nintendo Wii. She thought she had fallen short in her effort, but upon discovery of her uncle's misplaced box of fruit slices she realized she had just enough points to earn the highly coveted prize. She immediately called the Passover Candy prize claims department, but it being a Jewish holiday they were closed. They could not be reached for comment at the time of publication.

When asked to comment on his undelivered box of holiday treats, Mr Bernstein had this to say via text message, "Luv em! Did u have some? Dude they are really good trust me." Ben Bernstein, Sonia's other Uncle and David's brother had this to say, "Fruit slices are wrong! There is nothing natural or wholesome about them." To this, Mr Bernstein #1 replied, "Sugar is natural, they r yummy. Don't be a Granola!" He later added, "This whole affair is a debacle. I ordered the fruit slices to enjoy at my Seder and they never arrived. Now I am getting reports that they are in some Mill Valley place and nobody even likes them. Furthermore, Sonia is now going to get a Wii, which I helped her win, but I never got my fruit slices. I think think I should get the Wii in place of the passover candy I ordered. I really want a Wii. You can't even buy one on Ebay.

Mr. Bernstein #2's daughter Leila, cousin of Sonia, and niece of Mr.Bernstein #1 is reported to have taken one look at the box of fruit slices, dumped them on the floor, called for her "Blanky", and crawled off to bed. The other attendees of the Seder, including Sonia's Dad, Eric "$" "Mc Lovin'" Lachter, could not be reached for comment. At press time, a box of slightly used Bartons Fruit Slices was being offered for trade with a Nintendo Wii on the popular community based website Craigslist. The seller "friedsalami" is quoted in the offer as saying "We barely touched em', they were on the floor, but for less than 3 seconds, so they are basically like new."

BREAKING NEWS: Tape of Phone Call Released

San Francisco, CA (AP) - This morning at 9:45a Central time a tape of the phone message left yesterday by Randi Lachter to Dave Bernstein was released by an unnamed source (click on link below to hear). Bernstein, upon notice of the release of the tape, commented "listen to it carefully, you can tell she is trying to softsell something here. It's just like Ben said, a consipiracy...". THIS IS A BREAKING STORY...

Piglet_voicemail_23-Mar-2008.wav

Angst Builds Over Controversial Gift Policy

San Francisco, CA and Sioux City, IA (AP) - Trouble was brewing late this afternoon in the ongoing negotiations over the Bernstein Family Sibling Gift Policy (BFSGP) as Randi took the initial step of attempting to terminate the agreement on the grounds that she, Ben and Carolyn had been discussing it. Sources close to the situation indicated the discussions with Iowa sibling representative Dave Bernstein didn't go well. The Iowa Bernstein reportly was not overly receptive to the California branches plan to terminate the arrangement immediately. The issue, at face value, seems simple but is much more complex than it appears.

At issue presently is the timing of the proposal. Documents released over the weekend indicate that in early March Randi Lachter agreed to lead a search committee for a gift for Ben, whose birthday was March 7. Lachter, it turns out, never began a search, nor did she purchase said gift. She then initiated the proceedings for termination of the Master Gift Contract, rumored to have been signed back in 1972 when she was 4, and Ben hadn't been born yet. In a conversation late today Dave took exception to that. "I think she is covering her tracks, her story doesn't make sense, the timeline is all wrong, she says she was here when she was really there...and at one point evens alleges she was in Mexico at the time. I don't buy it!".

Dave's motives, however, have recently been called into question as well. In mid January Dave received a jacket as a birthday gift from the California branch. Even though the jacket arrived the week after his birthday, it was rumored to be "sweet", and therefore Dave feels he has a pretty good thing going, a source told us. The source said Bernstein was overheard saying "this coat is sweet, even sweeter than the one that Eric re-gifted to me, that my Mom gave him...that sweet!". Bernstein declined to comment as did Lachter.

And late this afternoon sources say a possible settlement may be presented to the California contingent tomorrow, after late afternoon shuttle diplomacy involving Eric Lachter as the official "back channel". Exclusive sources have told us that Bernstein and Lachter (pictured below) have basically agreed to a deal, a stripped down version of the original contract providing that the California Branch pool their gift resources and send one gift to the Iowa Branch, once per year. This gift, by default, would go to Dave. In exchange, the Iowa Branch would reciprocate with one gift per year, sent from Dave to Eric. Sensitivities over this agreement, and the fact that it basically leaves everyone else out, are still being mulled over. Lachter is said to be considering using the approach that he "needs more stuff, has a bigger gift list and is easier to buy for" than any of the other California Branch members. "I need a new Ipod, would like a new set of designer boots, have my eye on a new watch, and have been admiring these new Revos, so it should make it easy" a source overheard Lachter commenting.


Request for comments from Ben and Carolyn Bernstein and Randi Lachter were declined. However, in a late afternoon conversation with Dave, Ben is rumored to have said "dude I didn't tell her i wanted to quit buying you gifts. It's a conspiracy dude. Watch your back!". If the stalemate continues, it may have to go to binding arbitration, with the arbitrator being Liza Lachter. When asked what he thought of that outcome, Bernstein commented, "If Liza has to decide, it's anyone's guess. Lord help us!"

Leila Training for Olympic Fry Eating Contest

Oakland, CA (AP) - Today the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that Leila Bernstein will indeed be competing in the French Fry Eating Event for the United States, and has recently begun her training. Over the past few weeks the sports world was riddled with speculation that Bernstein would compete, despite her Father's stated desire to have her boycott the games. Leila's Father Ben Bernstein objected to his daughter competing in the Olympics, to be held this summer in China, on the grounds of improper treatment of musicians. Leila however in recent days decided to compete despite her father's objections. Sources close to the Bernstein's say that in the end it was Leila's love of fries that helped her make her decision.

At a hastily called press conference earlier today Ben Bernstein stated, "Duuuuude, this is really uncooool. I mean they treat the musicians badly, especially the bass players. They ignore the contracts and riders, and usually don't have the green M&Ms picked out of the bowl. And often they don't even give the musicians the right amount of beer in the dressing room, or the right brand of bottled water. It is almost unbearable."

Leila, speaking through her spokeperson, her Mother Carolyn, said "Fries are good, I like fries. I want more fries. Do fries come in Happy Meals? Do Happy Meals have toys in them? I want Happy Meals. I want toys. I want Star Wars characters in Happy Meals. Do Cracker Jacks have toys? I want Cracker Jacks." Leila's Mother, obviously siding with the youngest member of the Bernstein family, paraphrased by stating, "Leila is ready, and she is bringin home the Gold baby!!!".

EXCLUSIVE! Below is an exclusive interview with Leila Bernstein, where she rips on her Dad for suggesting she boycott the Olympics. See it here first on Bernstein.to...

Nieces Renew Guava and Java Endorsement...But Without Parents

San Francisco, CA (AP) - Today Guava and Java President David Sterling announced that he was renewing his endorsement deal with Sonia and Liza Lachter (pictured above, Sonia on left) for another 3 weeks. The highly lucrative deal, valued in excess of 3 figures, has been in the works for weeks, with many in the industry speculating that Sterling would not be able to pull of the deal. Notably absent from the deal however are the Lachter girl's parents, Randi and Eric. Sources close to the negotiations said that Sterling fought diligently for inclusion of the Lachter parents in the deal (he is extremely close to Eric "Money" Lachter), but that Liza, who negotiated for the sisters, put her foot down and would not allow inclusion of her parents. Liza finally prevailed, as she is a very tough negotiator, and the deal was inked.

In a statement, Liza said, "Mommy and Daddy are funny. Sonia and I are going to get our own place. We like the big rice krispy treats. David (Sterling) is weird but my Daddy likes him." Sterling, who was frustrated with the deal, and struggled to interpret the statement, simply said "how can you win arguing against logic like that?"