Sonia Visits Space Mountain and Returns, Leaves Liza Behind

Orlando, FL (AP) - Sonia Lachter, at a NASA press conference today, discussed recently released information regarding her trip to Space Mountain and back 10 days ago. According to Ms. Lachter "We blasted off right before midnite, it was so awesome, we had to fight some aliens, and when we got back and got off the ship Liza was gone." NASA officials are unclear what happened to the younger Lachter. A statement from Uncle Dave, who was on the flight as well, indicated Liza was shooting aliens (see Space Academy photo) and "running around all crazy" and must have missed the ship back. "When she was in the station she at one point said 'wait I want to take this all in' then she dropped back and that was it" said Uncle Dave.

On her return from space, Sonia was awarded the Mickey Mouse medal of honor for making the trip. Her Mother, Randi Lachter, said "I am so proud of Sonia, it was a tough mission for her as it was so late and she had such a full day, but they made it just before the window of opportunity closed...I am so proud." Asked about her younger daughter Liza she said, "Liza will be fine, I am sure she is still riding around on that space ship wanting to go one more time..." Her father Eric Lachter shared that sentiment. "Liza....she will turn up....she always does...that kid loves to go fast."

GAILFEST 2012 LINEUP ANNOUNCED

Sioux City, IA (AP) - The official lineup for GailFest 2012 was officially announced today at an early morning press conference. This years event marks the 70th Anniversary of Gailfest, and organizers announced a new sponsor for this years event, Pearl's Yarn Boutique. Founder and CEO David Sterling said in a prepared statement, "We are really psyched to sponsor this wonderful event. We know that during the course of 4 days at DisneyWorld Gail will go through more than enough yarn to pay for this sponsorship, and since she needs to use our yarn in all photos, we know we will come out great!" Mr. Sterling also added, "I know we very narrowly edged out multiple cell phone manufacturers, as Gail is sure to lose a few on the trip, but we are psyched. Oh and Happy Birthday Gail by the way!"

This years lineup will feature some interesting performers. The 4 day festival will start with a pre party on Tuesday featuring Jack, Gail and Dave performing hits off their new album "I Can't Believe We All Traveled Here Together On The Same Itinerary".

The festival officially gets under way bright and early on Wednesday am with support artist Ben and Carolyn singing their wonderful "Dude You Take Her on Dumbo Today, I Will Tomorrow" classic hit. Closing Wednesday will be Leila and the Noa's, hot off their Grammy win with their song "Just Pee Off", which nudged out "Just Pee Off Pt. II" for the Grammy.

Thursday opens with Randi Lachter, writer of the song "Dude We Have Way Too Much Planned For Today" and a guest slot by Ben and Carolyn Bernstein doing the duet "Why Do All Days Start At 6:30 AM?" Thursday night is the annual sponsor dinner, hosted aboard La Perla Negra Grande, with sponsor host Chairman David Sterling, and his head of knitting research Eric Lachter. Both are rumored to be rehearsing the song "I'm All Out Of Love" by Air Supply.

Friday's festivities feature some of the hottest selling artists of the festival, Sonia and Liza. Both artists will perform solo sets, and then a set together. Sonia is well know for her famous song "Uncle David Do You Want to Buy Some Girl Scout Cookies", and will then be followed by Liza singing "Uncle David Do You Want to Buy Some Girl Scout Cookies". They will both close the evening with their #1 pop sensation "Don't Tell Mommy Ok, For Real, I Mean It". Fireworks will follow.

Saturday will feature all artists performing an early morning set, doing a remake of "We Are The World", first made popular at Ben and Carolyn's wedding. Then at 10am, right before the festival closes, Ben Bernstein, Master of Ceremonies, will officially accept the eternal flame of GailFest and carry it back to California for GailFest 2013. Festival tradition holds the festival flame must burn eternally until the next festival in the sacred flame holder, modeled after the Peeing Boy of Brussels Fountain. Breaking this tradition can cause 100 years of bad luck, or at least a mild case of hives.

For more information or to purchase tickets, please contact Ticketmaster....

Gail Chased By Horny Buffalo

Yellowstone National Park (AP) - Late Friday during a routine visit to Yellowstone National Park, Gail Bernstein and her entourage were nearly attacked by two horny buffalo, apparently fighting each other for supremacy of the herd. Accounts of the incident are still sketchy at this time but sources indicate that a small group of tourists including the Bernstein entourage were watching a small herd of buffalo, in the midst of mating season. Part of the herd was on one side of the road and part on the other (a red flag in any scouting book I may add) and two males were periodically fighting, apparently trying to determine "who was up to bat next".

Footage below, taken by Bernstein Blog Cameraman Ben Bernstein, shows what ensued. The two buffalo, irritated that people were going to watch them "get down to bidness" turned and charged the crowd. As the cameraman ran, you can hear him yelling at Gail to get up. Apparently Gail had fallen in the attempt to run away, as she was preoccupied trying to run and knit at the same time. Details are unclear, but witnesses report that Jack Bernstein actually fell on top of Gail, presumably to protect her. An interview with Jack last night indicated that Jack was not clear why he fell but thinks it was partly out of instinct to protect Gail, and partly because he may have tripped over her. He postulated that it could have been a survival instinct much like the Buffalo's reaction. "If something happened to Gail and she was in the hospital recovering in Montana, what would I do for dinner, they don't have Jerry's Pizza out here."

In the end all appeared to turn out ok as Gail is seen on her feet smiling in the closing seconds of the footage. The buffalo, off camera, also came to an amicable agreement and decided to just "share" the remaining female buffalo. Our cameraman said at press time that it was still unclear whether "share" meant they would divide the remaining female herd in 2, or just take turns, but he would investigate further.

Cause for the initial stampede is still unclear, but some sources suspect that the strong smell of a vegen Clif Bar in Ben's backpack may have excited the animals, as the smell of vegen Clif Bars smells very similar to buffalo pheromones.

(written by Dave Bernstein, with contributions from Ben Bernstein in the field)

USOC Denies Age Allegation of Injured Athlete

San Francisco, CA (AP) - The USOC today denied claims that a young gymnast in Northern California is under-aged, and deferred all inquiries to her father, Ben Bernstein. Leila Bernstein, pictured above, did not compete in the 2008 Olympic Games due to a broken leg, suffered while practicing the pole vault the week before the games. Bernstein's biography lists her as being 21, well above the age necessary to compete in the games. She has been accused of actually being less than 16 years of age, and most likely less than 5 years of age.

Leila Bernstein first rose to fame last year, when she scored a series of perfect 16's in the gymnastics World Cup (sponsored by Guava and Java), and also set a World Record in the pole vault, and the 100m high hurdles. Bernstein did not qualify in the Iron Man competition, finishing 10th, but did put on a respectable showing given she decided to try it at the last minute. Immediately after that decision, rumors started surfacing that she at the time was actually just 1 year old. Bernstein's agent and trainer, Ben Bernstein, a former Olympic hackey sack medalist, stated at the time that Leila was definitely of age, and that she just looked young because she recently got a haircut. The investigation that followed drew no conclusions.

Yesterday, as rumors resurfaced, Ben Bernstein produced documentation seemingly verifying Leila's age. A driver's license and other forms of identification were shown to governing body members. The investigating body indicated that in general the identification looked legitimate, but did question why a Spencer Gifts receipt fell out of a bag Bernstein was carrying and was found laying on the floor. Leila's Mother Carolyn at that point entered the room, grabbed Leila and Ben by the arms and lead them out of the investigation, and was overheard saying "Dude, that is the worst fake ID I have ever seen. She couldn't even buy Sloe Gin with that thing."

None of the Bernsteins were available for comment but it is rumored that Ben Bernstein is grounded until further notice.

Nieces Meet Newest Relative Basho

Oakland, CA (The Onion) - Today during a special one year birthday party for Leila Bernstein, Leila and her two cousins Sonia and Liza Lachter were spontaneously exposed to their newest relative, Basho the Sumo Wrestler. How Basho became a member of the Bernstein/Lachter clan still remains somewhat of a mystery. Sources close to the situation said late Saturday that they believe the three cousin's Uncle, Uncle Dave, adopted Basho when he saw an article in a magazine stating "This sumo wrestler would look great in your home."

"Dave is really compassionate and I am guessing when he read that article in the Skymall Magazine, he couldn't help but adopt Basho" said Eric Lachter, brother-in-law of Uncle Dave. How Basho found a home at the Bernstein residence in Oakland is another story however. "Dave may be compassionate, but he is not necessarily always responsible like I am," stated Ben Bernstein, Uncle Dave's Brother. "One day I am hangin out minding my own business and this thing shows up in a box...it was de-gassing in my house, and I didn't know what to do with it. I know Dave had good intentions of giving Basho a home, but until I consulted Dave Corran and determined I should put him in the garden, I was a bit miffed, and he actually scared Leila and Carolyn."

Reaction from the Three Nieces was mixed. Sonia Lachter commented that she thought Basho was very cute and smart and looked forward to having him to their house for the High Holidays this fall. Liza Lachter stated that Basho looked like her Daddy, wanted to bring him home with her, and thought maybe he could help with some of her chores around the house. Leila's reaction was mixed, but she seemed to like him, spit up on him, laughed at him and then some indicate actually looked at him and said "Daa Daa." Ben immediately denied this, irritated by the obvious reference by his daughter to possible similarities between Ben and Basho. He attempted to clarify by stating, "she didn't say Daa Daa as in Daddy, she said Daa Daa as in doo doo, or because i think that thing made her crap her diapers when she looked at it, just like it had the same effect on me."

Uncle Dave was not available for comment at press time.

Passover Candy Fruit Slices Debacle

Mill Valley, CA -

At approximately 8:45 PST an unidentified box of Bartons Fruit Flavored Slices was discovered just before desert during a Passover Seder at the Lachter residence in Mill Valley, CA. The box of parve candy, discovered under a pile of Haddasah magazines, was apparently ordered for David Bernstein of Sioux City, IA. Mr. Bernstein had ordered the box of passover fruit flavored sugar wedges from his niece Sonia Lachter, who was selling them for a Sunday school fundraiser. Mrs. Lachter was trying to sell enough of the "Kosher for Passover" candies in order to win a Nintendo Wii. She thought she had fallen short in her effort, but upon discovery of her uncle's misplaced box of fruit slices she realized she had just enough points to earn the highly coveted prize. She immediately called the Passover Candy prize claims department, but it being a Jewish holiday they were closed. They could not be reached for comment at the time of publication.

When asked to comment on his undelivered box of holiday treats, Mr Bernstein had this to say via text message, "Luv em! Did u have some? Dude they are really good trust me." Ben Bernstein, Sonia's other Uncle and David's brother had this to say, "Fruit slices are wrong! There is nothing natural or wholesome about them." To this, Mr Bernstein #1 replied, "Sugar is natural, they r yummy. Don't be a Granola!" He later added, "This whole affair is a debacle. I ordered the fruit slices to enjoy at my Seder and they never arrived. Now I am getting reports that they are in some Mill Valley place and nobody even likes them. Furthermore, Sonia is now going to get a Wii, which I helped her win, but I never got my fruit slices. I think think I should get the Wii in place of the passover candy I ordered. I really want a Wii. You can't even buy one on Ebay.

Mr. Bernstein #2's daughter Leila, cousin of Sonia, and niece of Mr.Bernstein #1 is reported to have taken one look at the box of fruit slices, dumped them on the floor, called for her "Blanky", and crawled off to bed. The other attendees of the Seder, including Sonia's Dad, Eric "$" "Mc Lovin'" Lachter, could not be reached for comment. At press time, a box of slightly used Bartons Fruit Slices was being offered for trade with a Nintendo Wii on the popular community based website Craigslist. The seller "friedsalami" is quoted in the offer as saying "We barely touched em', they were on the floor, but for less than 3 seconds, so they are basically like new."

BREAKING NEWS: Tape of Phone Call Released

San Francisco, CA (AP) - This morning at 9:45a Central time a tape of the phone message left yesterday by Randi Lachter to Dave Bernstein was released by an unnamed source (click on link below to hear). Bernstein, upon notice of the release of the tape, commented "listen to it carefully, you can tell she is trying to softsell something here. It's just like Ben said, a consipiracy...". THIS IS A BREAKING STORY...

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