Mill Valley, CA -
At approximately 8:45 PST an unidentified box of Bartons Fruit Flavored Slices was discovered just before desert during a Passover Seder at the Lachter residence in Mill Valley, CA. The box of parve candy, discovered under a pile of Haddasah magazines, was apparently ordered for David Bernstein of Sioux City, IA. Mr. Bernstein had ordered the box of passover fruit flavored sugar wedges from his niece Sonia Lachter, who was selling them for a Sunday school fundraiser. Mrs. Lachter was trying to sell enough of the "Kosher for Passover" candies in order to win a Nintendo Wii. She thought she had fallen short in her effort, but upon discovery of her uncle's misplaced box of fruit slices she realized she had just enough points to earn the highly coveted prize. She immediately called the Passover Candy prize claims department, but it being a Jewish holiday they were closed. They could not be reached for comment at the time of publication.
When asked to comment on his undelivered box of holiday treats, Mr Bernstein had this to say via text message, "Luv em! Did u have some? Dude they are really good trust me." Ben Bernstein, Sonia's other Uncle and David's brother had this to say, "Fruit slices are wrong! There is nothing natural or wholesome about them." To this, Mr Bernstein #1 replied, "Sugar is natural, they r yummy. Don't be a Granola!" He later added, "This whole affair is a debacle. I ordered the fruit slices to enjoy at my Seder and they never arrived. Now I am getting reports that they are in some Mill Valley place and nobody even likes them. Furthermore, Sonia is now going to get a Wii, which I helped her win, but I never got my fruit slices. I think think I should get the Wii in place of the passover candy I ordered. I really want a Wii. You can't even buy one on Ebay.
Mr. Bernstein #2's daughter Leila, cousin of Sonia, and niece of Mr.Bernstein #1 is reported to have taken one look at the box of fruit slices, dumped them on the floor, called for her "Blanky", and crawled off to bed. The other attendees of the Seder, including Sonia's Dad, Eric "$" "Mc Lovin'" Lachter, could not be reached for comment. At press time, a box of slightly used Bartons Fruit Slices was being offered for trade with a Nintendo Wii on the popular community based website Craigslist. The seller "friedsalami" is quoted in the offer as saying "We barely touched em', they were on the floor, but for less than 3 seconds, so they are basically like new."
