Scientists Prove Lachter a Distant Relative of Bernstein

Berkely, CA (Science News) - Scientists just recently uncovered evidence that Eric Lachter may be a distant relative of the Bernstein Family. Tests dating back to 500 A.D. indicate the potential for a relationship, stemming primarily from analysis of a regressive Y chromosome. Scientists indicated they felt they were on to something, but that the gene mapping was elusive and difficult until they discovered the photo shown above. Stated Prof. Beeker of the institute, "this photo provides undisputable evidence there is a connection, there must be!"

According to Prof. Beeker, the research also included significant experiments with monkeys with incredibly low I.Q.'s. The male monkeys, each containing a strain of the chromosome, were fed large amounts of food and then placed in front of the television while female monkeys surrounded them with random banter and questioning. In all cases the male monkeys were able to fall asleep, if they were reclining on a couch, regardless of the level of banter and questioning. The monkeys are also believed to be distant relatives of Lachter and Bernstein.

In a related story a San Francisco judge ruled that 2 people married to each other that may have been related dating back over 2,000 years is legal.

Sonia and Liza Eaten by Tigger

San Franciso, CA (AP) - LATE BREAKING NEWS

Winefred Pooh, Vice President of Public Relations for the San Francisco Zoo, just confirmed reports that Sonia and Liza Lachter have been eaten by Tigger. The photo attached was taken just moments ago at the zoo, where head Zookeeper Dave Corran is attempting to extract the two girls from Tigger's belly. "We are trying to tickle Tigger and hope he burps them both up" Corran stated in a news conference.

The two girls were just interviewed by dropping a microphone down Tigger's mouth and they both said they were fine except when Tigger starts bouncing. Watch for more details on this breaking story....

Leila denies accusations

Leila Bernstein has just called a press conference to set things straight. It was indeed her father who passed the gas, not her. Let the record be corrected.

Leila Passes Gas During Photo Shoot

Oakland, CA (AP) - Today during a Rosh Hashanah photo shoot in Oakland, young Leila Bernstein passed gas, possibly for the first time, startling her cousins Sonia and Liza. In this photo, presumably shot during the event, Leila's cousins are obviously caught off guard. In an interview, Sonia Lachter (pictured on left) said, "I was shocked. I was just sitting there and I heard this strange noise and then I looked at Leila and she looked so happy. I couldn't figure out what was going on...and then suddenly I knew."

Liza Lachter (pictured in center) appeared to attempt to pretend nothing unusual had happened. Liza told her agent that she was sitting there and she heard a strange noise and felt a strange vibration, which at first she thought may have been a small earthquake or tremor, but then soon realized what had happened. Both Liza and Sonia promptly left the photo shoot, escorted by their Mother and Father, who reportedly was yelling "Dude, what was up with that?" to Leila's Father, and manager, Ben Bernstein.

As for Leila's part, according to Mr. Bernstein, Leila was staring directly at him as the photographer was shooting photos (Ben was making a monkey face at the time) when she suddenly winked and then let one rip. "She looked so happy...so fulfilled," said Bernstein, "and then she seemed so pleased with herself...almost relieved...I am so proud of her."

Carolyn Bernstein, Leila's Mother, upon hearing what had transpired commented "she unfortunately takes after her father in this regard. I can only assume he taught her how to do this at the same time he was teaching her how to make some of those strange bass faces. I have to be careful when I leave the two of them alone together."

None of Leila's 4 Grandparents could be reached for comment.

Lachters Sign Exclusive $25 Million Deal With Guava and Java

Miami, FL (AP) - Today officials of Guava and Java International announced an exclusive multi-year endorsement deal with The Lachter Family (known commonly as America's Family), pictured above. The deal came as a surprise to the industry, as speculation mounted in recent weeks that the deal was falling apart amid rumors that Liza Lachter was holding out for undisclosed terms and conditions. At the heart of the deal was a longstanding feud between Lachter patriarch Eric Lachter, and Guava and Java Head Busboy David Sterling (pictured below) over a comment about a muffin not long after Guava and Java opened their flagship San Francisco operations. Lachter allegedly boarded a flight to Minneapolis after purchasing a bran muffin at Guava and Java, and moments after biting in to it sent a text to an undisclosed source stating "note from seat 14B, bran muffin tastes like sand." The source relayed the comment to Sterling who, it was rumored, reacted very radically. Sterling was overheard yelling, "after all i have done for him, with the free rice krispy treats and companionship in Vegas, this is the thanks I get..."

Guava and Java CEO and President Rita Bhaskar, in an unprecedented press statement commented "David was very upset but has put this issue behind him. We have revised the recipe for bran muffins, taking Eric's comment to heart as his opinions are very valuable to us and we feel having the Lachters as spokespersons will be a win-win for all of us. And David asks that I relay his very sincere public apology to Eric for overreacting." Sterling was not available for comment.

As the week unfolded and the deal got close, Liza Lachter held out for inclusion of Eric in the deal. Earlier in the week Sterling had insisted there would be no deal if Eric was involved, but the Lachter Family rallied around Eric. Sterling's initial objection centered around Eric's insistance that anytime he appeared in any ad, he was referred to as "McLovin Lachter". Sterling viewed this as disrespectful as he has been referring to himself as McLovin Sterling for the past few weeks, ever since the release of the movie Superbad. In the end however Sterling realized that without Liza and her sister Sonia, the deal was meaningless, and had to relent.

Liza, who recently told Eric that he was her hero in order to gain influence over family matters, negotiated a side deal with Eric for an undisclosed sum. Sonia and Liza Lachter are rumored to be the recipients of most of the endorsement deal and have just departed for a trip out of the country, and at the last minute offered to take their parents with them. Sonia Lachter commented, "We like Mommy and Daddy, and thought we would take them with us. Plus Liza and I can't drive yet so we need them. I can't wait until we get back tho as Liza and I are both going to buy new Porsches and only let Daddy drive them if he does what we ask him to do." When asked for comment at the airport immediately prior to her departure, Liza Lachter simply said, "Daddy is my hero" and then mischievously winked at the reporters. She then turned to her father and yelled "McLovin, get my bags and hurry up and get on the plane". -db

LACHTER CITED FOR SAFETY VIOLATIONS

Marin County, CA (AP) - Paparazzi today sent the cycling world into orbit in Northern California when they captured this photo of Sonia Lachter riding her high performance bike with her chin strap unhooked. Initial attempts by Team Sonia to quash the rumors that Lachter was doing speed crash tests with her helmet unhooked were immediately dismissed once this photo (click on photo to enlarge) was produced and the Team Sonia spokesman immediately declined comment. Team Sonia Crew Chief Eric Lachter (Sonia's Dad) said he was shocked at the photo, and allegations, even though he was present during the crash tests. "I know I connected the strap before she headed off on to the track...she must have unhooked it....I am shocked."

Lachter here is pictured heading towards a large wall of marshmallows, traveling at about 65 mph. Sonia crashes in to marshmallows often to develop her agility and bike riding skills, and to toughen herself up. Plus she likes marshmallows so it can't be all that bad. When asked why her helmet was unhooked, Sonia tersely stated, "I am a good bike rider, you are being silly." When Lachter's Pit Boss, Liza Lachter, was asked for comment she said "who is this...Uncle Dave?....you are silly....ok goodbye."

Sonia's Team Manager and Mother Randi Lachter could not be reached for comment, but rumors abound that she is not happy with the situation regarding the helmet.

Bernstein-Lachter Mounts Coup Attempt Against Girl Scout Leadership Council

***BREAKING NEWS****

San Francisco, CA (AP) - Unnamed sources have just confirmed a secret underground coup attempt to overthrow leadership in the Girl Scouts of America organization. Randi Bernstein-Lachter and an unidentified Lieutenant (pictured above) are reportedly attempting to indoctrinate and train a highly aggressive unit of Girl Scout operatives, with the hope of overthrowing the Girls Scout's core leadership cabinet. Video obtained from a secret training base shows Girl Scouts training in commando moves, including the highly versatile use of the "monkey bars". Rumor also has it that Bernstein-Lachter has allowed girls who would normally only qualify for Brownie status to enter the elite training camp. Bernstein-Lachter was overheard saying "I don't care what they say, I am going to put Liza's mischievousness to good use. She will light a fire under this units...".

Sources say the crux of the disagreement is related to an argument over the wording of the Girl Scouts doctrine, as pictured above. Not pictured in the photo is the phrase, "As a Girl Scout I will try to sell at least 10 boxes of cookies per year, and will push the Shortbread cookies over the other flavors, as they have a higher margin." Lachter-Bernstein's contention is that the Shortbread cookies are not very good and should not be pushed at the expense of the tastier Caramel Delite cookies. During an outburst she was overheard saying, "...the shortbreads suck, I wouldn't even send them to my oldest brother...". Bernstein-Lachter would prefer to see the phrase modified to say "...at least 10 boxes without regard to flavor." She also has advocated the addition of the phrase "Girls Scouts will never smoke cigarettes and will attempt to throw water on anyone that does."

A spokesperson for the Girl Scouts of America released a statement saying, "We appreciate Bernstein-Lachter's passion for these issues and concern over treating all cookies fairly, but we cannot condone any form of takeover of our national office by Girl Scout Local 1422B. Girl Scouts must stand together to fight tyranny and repression, and we don't have room for rogue Den Mothers in this organization."

Stay tuned for more breaking news...